


The First Christmas

by tinyglamdramaqueen



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post Avengers Endgame, it’s pretty angsty, theres minor Sam Wilson x reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 22:21:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21686488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyglamdramaqueen/pseuds/tinyglamdramaqueen
Summary: It’s the first Christmas you’re going to spend since he went back with the time stones and stayed in the past with Peggy. So you write him a letter.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Reader
Kudos: 22





	The First Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> It’s a little something I found myself writing after a bunch of Christmas songs.

Dear Steve, 

I don’t know what possessed me to write to you, knowing you will never read it. It’s better that way. I drank a little more than usual probably because Bucky was insisting we drink a little more.  Bucky . He pretends he’s ok, but truth is he’s not. He tries to be the strongest out of all of us, but I know inside he’s breaking, each day since you went back. He’s getting better though. Slowly he’s picking himself back up, piece by piece. 

He was the one who suggested we spend every holiday together. But we’re joining Pepper and Morgan for Christmas. We also did Thanksgiving together. It was the most fun I’ve had in a while. The first time my mind wasn’t on you, and how much I wanted you there with me. 

I don’t know where you are, but Sam and I have been seeing each other. At first it was because we both needed a distraction, but he’s so good to me. I truly do not deserve him. 

In fact he asked me to marry him last night. I cried. I don’t know whether it was because I was overwhelmed with emotions or if it had anything to do with you, because I feel like as time goes by, I feel like I’m losing you even more. 

I know it isn’t fair to tell you, but the day you left you broke me. I lost three people in such a short span of time. Natasha, then Tony, and you. 

You’ve haunted my dreams since then. 

The most recurring dream I’ve had about you is about that little inn surrounded by vast fields we went to for your birthday. It was the first time in a while we had been alone, truly alone. 

I still can picture it when I close my eyes. I remember I told you I liked you better with a beard, and I didn’t let you shave it. I think about that version of you most often. 

It was the first time, that I can remember, that I saw Steve Rogers. Not the man with the shield. We only had a few days there, but in my dreams they last a lifetime. 

I think Sam knows I still think about you. But he’s too good to ask. In fact no one mentioned you since you left, as they’re moving on. Bucky and Sam are back on their missions, Sharon helps them once in a while.

At the risk of sounding desperate, I can’t. I’ve tried everything, but each time I do, it’s like you’re there, with me. 

Which is why I’m thinking about saying yes. To Sam. I haven’t given him a clear answer yet, and like always he said he understood and told me to think about it as much as I needed to. 

I  need to move on. 

I can’t keep living like this. Pretending to smile one second to completely breaking down the next. You were my everything, my best friend, my rock, and the love of my life. And I do believe in another life we would’ve had our happily ever after. The white picket fence life you always wanted. 

But I need to marry Sam for my own sanity. Though I won’t love him as wholly as I did you, I will try my hardest. He deserves nothing but my complete and utter devotion. 

This is going to be the first Christmas without you, the first of many. I know when I’ll hear your favorite Christmas song I won’t be able to stop myself from wondering what it would’ve been like. To still have you here with me. 

And wherever you are, I wish you Merry Christmas. 

You’ll always have a place in my heart. 

Love,

Y/N.


End file.
